Thursday, February 16, 2012

Whole Night Ramblings


I've spent the whole night rambling and writing

Ok, I can understand you might have difficulty keeping up. But I am having great difficulties keeping up too. And it has nothing to do with anyone.

This is just a pretext… its actually words that have been waiting to be birthed at Sunrise. Maybe a poetry line, a piece of music, a work of art, the eyes of a stranger that bring on a sense of familiarity, a memory, a song, an embrace or a heartbeat...

A heartbeat and the heart breaks open and say "finally" And the heart breaks open and sighs...or sheds a few silent tears. Let your heart breathe - Open it. I have to keep the lid on most of the time, because am a survivor.

I am a survivor of many things I will not share with you. I can't afford to unlock the bolted door. I need to keep going...but occasionally... There is a popular saying that goes - you will never realize how much you love something/someone until you lose it.

This is very true. This is why I believe it is important not to take anyone or anything for granted. Especially, not those you love.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Are You Woman Enough?


Most of us women are being told that where not good enough. It's seems to be the overriding injunction, message that remains with them well into the end of their days...

Sometimes it is said out liberally, and sometimes insidiously. It is repeated for years by family members, school teacher, boyfriend, lover, and husband; faithfully passed on to the children...

Gracefully said, Woman you are not good enough. You are too - tall, short, fat, thin, blonde, brunette, loud, quiet, lazy, overactive, intellectual, not intellectual, political, apolitical, religious, not religious enough... You are too - sexual, frigid, social, asocial, extroverted, introverted, rigid, loose, tight, responsible, irresponsible, charitable, selfish, polite, rude, emotional, rational...

You are too much - you are not enough. Flip side of the same coin.

The end result is always the same. After all you are a girl, now you are woman. We tolerate you but really deep down we prefer you to be a man or at least asexual. Anything, but don't bother us with your otherness...

Then it comes as no surprise that "statistics" tell us that "mental illness" affects us more than men. We fall into debilitating depressions, suffer anxiety disorders, suffer from borderline personality disorders, are anorexic/bulimic, are addicted to shopping or relationships, develop psychosomatic illnesses, are more prone to accidents...compared to our "wonderful" men.

There are all these "mental" manifestations I spoke of earlier on and on which a whole psychiatric and pharmaceutical industry were built. Then there is also the whole fashion industry that caters for us with no sense of self.

Then add to that, the cosmetic industry. If I just buy the right lipstick or the right cream, maybe, just maybe...Or if my hair looks like this model promoting this shampoo, just maybe...

Then there is of course the last recourse, the plastic surgeon. Face lift, eyebrow lift, tummy tuck, nose job, liposuction - suck the flab, lift the boobs, augment them, plump those lips, laser, botox, silicones....Anything more?

Notice the words. Sucking, tucking, lifting, filling, plumping - what do these words remind you of`? And if you can't make the association or connection, think twice.

Doctor changes me and makes me more acceptable, more loveable, more desirable...
Lift me, suck my flab, fill me, plump me, tuck me...

Any better now?

And what does the plastic surgeon; psychiatrist and shopping mall have in common? They will lift her up, and tell her you are fine and will be fine. But do buy this latest dress, or lift this boob or take that anti-depressant or ... remove your uterus...

Revolutions have come and gone. You dress to kill as if walking naked, you took the pill and fucked your head senseless, you had the nose job, the boob job and the liposuction, you bought the right clothes, you also married and reproduced and became a good mother and wife or an executive single mom and yet...the question still occur. How come?

Some of you flirted with madness, drugs, alcohol, and bad men, seeking the ultimate lift me up in abuse and yet questioned... How come?

You have tried every single psychic, self help book, anti-depressant, tranquilizer, tarot reader, sheikh, priest, rabbi or monk, you prayed and pleaded, you burned candles, chanted, and burned incense and yet questioned again... How come?

No magic, no therapy, no surgery, no religious figure will ever help you unless YOU first recognize that "primary" question and CHANGE it.

I am urging to wage of revolution against the deliberating question, a ruthless revolution... I am urging to pluck it out from our cells and from our neurons...I am asking to behead it, burn it and banish it into a forever exile...

I am asking you to proclaim out loud, AM INTELLIGENT ENOUGH, PRETTY ENOUGH, LOVING ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SOFT ENOUGH, SEXY ENOUGH, RATIONAL ENOUGH...

I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I AM WOMAN ENOUGH...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Unjust Feelings


You know, I have this problem. I am too nice, sometimes I wish I was plain rude. Do you ever get this? You just wish to say what is on your mind, no matter how harsh. Some experiences, scenes and emotions that I have experienced had a big impact on me and I will probably always remember them mainly because how I reacted to them but honestly because how I didn’t react to them. I was in a number of situations where I saw people being rude or unjust to me or others, sometimes I reacted fittingly, sometimes I reacted poorly where I wish I had stood up more and the worst is when I didn’t react at all, which comes back hunting me for a long time after. Every time I witness or am in such a scene and then leave without giving a response either because I didn’t have one or because I supposedly am in control of myself this feeling builds up in me, spreads in my body, lingers under my skin and tingles. This annoying uncomfortable restless tingling remains me for the entire occurrence ever and ever again.